The Montessori baby room

Did I mention that baby is now able to roll over by himself? And not only is he able, he absolutely loves it! He'll roll over immediately as long as he is on a horizontal surface! It's hilarious, exciting (my baby is growing up so fast!), but also scary. You know, the usual new mummy worries - that he'll roll off the changing table, or roll off my bed, or roll and bump his head on something hard, etc. The main worry though, is that he'll roll and get his arms or legs caught in the bars on his cot and get hurt trying to free himself, or that he'll roll and hit his head on the hard wooden bars.

I've put in the cot bumpers now to help soften the bumps. But that was after much consideration. After all, almost all baby/parenting sites/books strong discourage the use of cot bumpers due to the increased risk of SIDS. The fear is that baby will somehow get trapped between the bumpers and the mattress, or get entangled in the bumper straps. Some research also shows that the air in the cot get very stale (which increases the risk of SIDS) due to the bumpers restricting air circulation.

But then, I've also read a lot about babies who get the arms or legs between the bars, and then BREAK them trying to free themselves, or give themselves a concussion after bumping their head on the wooden bars. SIGH.

So while looking for an alternative solution, I've pit the bumpers in while making sure that : - the bumper straps are tied tightly and away from baby's reach; - that there are no gaps in between the bumper and mattress; - and that baby's room is always well-ventilated when he's sleeping.

And of course, being the over-anxious new mummy that I am, constantly checking on him, making sure that his nose and mouth is always clear from the mattress or bumper.

So. That's the current arrangement. But I can't possibly sustain this for long. I'm getting really exhausted from the constant checks! haha

So while doing research on alternatives to the cot, I've discovered the Montessori floor bed! It's basically just a mattress on the floor. haha.



1 month later...

Ok, I wrote the above paragraphs one month ago, got interrupted, and forgot all about it, and here I am picking it up again!

Anyway, the bunny little's room has been transformed from a run-of-the-mill baby room into a toddler's adventure land! Except he's not exactly a toddler yet! haha!

I love his room so much, I want to sleep in it with him all the time! Except I'll get no sleep because he always treats me as an exciting obstacle course he has to climb over every time.

So we have a Ikea mattress on the floor, low shelving (baby-proofed! All corners padded) for his toys, and a huge playmat for him to play on. And of course the child-safe bladeless fan courtesy of the mahjongkakis aunties and uncles!

That was the initial arrangement. Until he got mobile and curious enough to venture outside the confines of the play mat and mattress. So we had to baby-proof the entire room with Daiso play mats (cheap cheap!), and pillows and cushions and cot & playpen mattresse and diaper packs! haha

Nice?

Sad...

I'm really happy that my baby is such a social butterfly and that he gets along great with almost anyone.

But I want to be the most important person in his life. I want to be the one who can get him to smile under any circumstances, who can stop his cries with my hugs, who he wants when he's distressed. I want to be the number one person in his life. Even number two is fine if he's more of a Daddy's boy.

But I don't think I am. In fact, I think I am not even number two or three or four. He has the biggest smiles for his grandma. He's ecstatic when he sees his grandaunt, and even the family maid. Just not me. All I get are nonchalant glances and once in a while, small smiles.

I'm happy he loves his grandma, of course I am. I'm also happy he loves playing with the family. But I want him to love me the most. I want him to be happy when he's with other people, but the moment I appear, he only has eyes for me. I want him to love staying with his grandma, but gets incredibly happy when I bring him home. I want him to be happy when grandma is carrying him, but even happier when I take over.

But he is not. I'm trying so hard to be the best mummy for him. I really don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I also don't understand why people are so concerned that baby will get too attached to me. I think that's not likely to happen any time soon. Whenever I'm carrying baby, someone will definately tell me not to carry him in case he gets too attached. If he's crying when I carry him, there will definately be comments about how I'm doing/done something wrong which caused his crying fit, or jokes about how baby doesn't want mummy, and someone will just take him out of my arms. Is that funny? Really? It's funny that baby doesn't want his mummy?

Why does it give people pleasure to see that baby prefers other people over his mummy? Why do people not want baby to be attached to mummy? Why are the ones who keep telling me not to carry him carrying him all the time? Why do people always try to block me from baby? They all tell me it's for my own good, if baby is too attached to me, I won't be able to have a life. Well, thanks. Now baby is not attached to me at all. Woo hoo. I can have a great life without my baby clinging on to me, because he prefers to be far away from me.

I don't need help to "detach" baby from me. I can do that all on my own with my boring personality and unimpressionable looks.

A few difficult days and a major decision...

It has been a few difficult days.

Suffered through 4 days of intense toothache before I finally gave in and went to see the dentist. Turns out I had a bad tooth infection and had to have my wisdom tooth extracted (or rather, excised, since it was considered a minor surgery) on the spot. Now I am stuck with a painful swollen right cheek, a bleeding wound, 3 stitches, a ton of medication, 5 days of MC, and a week of not being able to breastfeed my baby. :( Sad.

I can't breastfeed as I'm not on 2 types of antibiotics and 2 types of pain medication. Only a minute amount of the medication will be in my breastmilk, but it will apparently make baby more prone to allergies. In any case, my dentist says that while it's not a major concern, she wouldn't breastfeed if she were me just to be on the safe side. That's enough to convince me.

On hindside, I probably should not have had the extraction if it will result in me not being able to breastfeed for a week. But my dentist said that because of the position of my wisdom tooth, the infection will keep coming back if it remains there. The only way to stop the infection for good is to remove the source. So I did. Sigh.

Anyway, being unable to breastfeed while staying at my mother-in-law's place is quite an unfortunate combination. I have to state first though that everyone has been great to me and baby, and doing everything they can to make things as comfortable as they can be for the both of us. On knowing that I had a painful tooth extraction, my mother-in-law even made sure that the maid cooks porridge, fish and some chinese "liang" teh for me.

However, it has still been a difficult few days for me. I know it's my own fault but I can't help it. I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect mother and "daughter/granddaughte/whateverr/in-law". Everytime baby cries and is difficult and fussy while I'm around, I feel like such a failure of a mother. And in full sight and judgement of everyone! What a shame!

Worse still, I think that my personality is such a bland and unmemorable one that, in the presence of all the bright and colourful personalities in the household (including even the maids), my darling baby has forgotten me. :(

No matter how hard I try, it's just not in my nature to be constantly bubbly, chatty, loud and entertaining. I just can't compete with that. Who can blame my darling to prefer the entertaining fellows over his boring mummy? He doesn't smile much at me anymore, he doesn't even look at me anymore. He's always looking away at this toys or the moving fan when I try to engage him. But the minute his grandma appears, out comes the bright happy smile for her. I have to try very very hard just to elicit a small smile from him.

Sigh. It's heartbreaking.

Which is what brought me to seriously consider a very major change in my life.
  
I know I can't be the best mother in the world, but I want to be the best mother I can be. And I want that mother and child closeness that other people seem to have effortlessly, but which seems so difficult for me to achieve. That will probably mean I need to spend a lot more time with my baby which is very tough right now due to work commitments.

How? Should I? Can I?

Must stay positive...

I think being a mother has imbued me with a new sense of protectiveness over my loved ones. It hurts and pains me to know that someone I love is suffering, and because of my own commitments, I can't help out in any significant way. The only way I can think of to help is with emotional support, but then my family has never been big on public displays of emotions, so it's really new to me.

I'm just hoping and praying that everything will turn out well soon (very very soon).

Shopaholic Lust...

Here are some of the stuff I'm lusting after now...

Adenandanais Sleep Sacks

 

Their muslin cotton sleep sacks look perfect for Singapore's hot weather. Most of the swaddles and sleep sacks are made of thick cotton which are meant more for cooler climates. As I do not want to get Ryan baby used to sleeping with the air-conditioning on, most nights we just have the fan on in his room. So it's essential that he doesn't overheat, yet able to enjoy the security of a blanket.

It's also recommended that babies who do not yet know to turn over on their own not to use a blanket/comforter. This is because there is a very high risk of suffocation. So a baby sleep sack (or sleep bag) is best.

These from aden + anais look so breathable and cute I just can't wait to get them!



Bobo Choses

 

Bobo Choses is a relatively new Spanish brand created by a group of Spanish artists. Other than being creative, the brand is also commited to donating 10% of its profits to a textile-school workshop in Bangledash.

Ok I probably won't ever get anything from Bobo Choses because it's really quite out of my price range. But I really love their baby apparel! I love the styling, the graphics and the simplicity. Hoping for a super mega sale!


Brights & Stripes

 




This is a brand from the UK that has a range of super colourful happy kids apparel. After looking at a whole lot of pastel baby clothings, it's nice and refreshing to see some bright colourful clothes for a change. And best of all, they have the Magic Tee! They've used augmented reality to create a fun tee that can interact with the kids! I've watched their video demo and it's amazing.

Everything just looks so fun and colourful!

Happy 3rd Month, my darling!

My darling boy.. growing up so fast!

Milestone - Ryan's turning over!

Ever since the fluke flipping over he did sometime during his first month, today will be the first time he flips himself over from his tummy to his back!

Ryan's first laugh!

Ryan baby uttered his first laugh yesterday!! Woo~! So cute!! My little darling!!

Sorry, I know I sound like a teenage girl, but... Ryan baby's first laugh!!

Hahaha

He has been smiling everyday since sometime after the first month. But this was his first real laugh when his daddy was playing with him.

Siggghhhh... I love my little darling.

Stuff I've been reading...

These are what I have been reading during the my very limited free times.


BOOKS:

Bright from the Start: The Simple, Science-Backed Way to Nurture Your Child's developing Mind from Birth to Age 3

http://www.amazon.com/Bright-Start-Science-Backed-Developing-Mindfrom/dp/159240362X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310048302&sr=8-1

I'm only about 1/3 through the book, but so far it has been very informative and useful. It teaches me ways of engaging and "playing" with baby in order to nurture his mind. What I like most about it is that the author does not just tell you what you should do, she really explains the science behind it. I feel more informed and assured when I know why I am doing what I am doing. 

The Babysense Secret

http://www.amazon.com/Babysense-Secret-Megan-Faure/dp/0756671590/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1310048573&sr=1-2

I've completed the book up to baby's age. I find this book alright. Some of the suggestions for calming baby when he is crying has been quite useful. But the suggestions for creating a daytime schedule has been a big failure. I don't think it is fault of the book/author though. I think all babies are just different and what might work on one baby might not work on the other. My little darling probably just refuses to be on a schedule.

BLOGS:

Parenting Joy

http://www.parentingjoy.com/

This is a very useful blog, especially for new parents. She has written a lot of very useful and motivating posts on breastfeeding, general parenting, etc, which I can really relate to. I do admit that the constant references to Christianity is a little annoying to me (I'm a freethinker.), but it is her blog and her belief, so... shut up me! 

Confusing times, difficult decisions...

My 4 months maternity leave is coming to an end very soon. It's hard to believe that 4 months has just flown by like that. On one hand I am a little relieved to be able to have a real life away from home and baby. But on the other hand, I am already getting mild separation anxiety.

We have discussed and sort of settled on an arrangement for baby when I get back to work. But to be totally honest, I am really not sure that it will work. I'm planning on working half day in the office, and half day from home. The lucky thing is that I have an understanding boss who has agreed to try out this arrangement to see if it will work. I really did believe that it will work when I suggested this to my boss. However, that was when baby was still sleeping most of the time. Now that he is older, he is constantly curious about his surroundings, easily bored, and most importantly, refuses to take daytime naps longer than 15 mins. That will be a problem when I need to work from home.

But if this arrangement does not work out, what then?

Can we afford for me to be a Stay At Home Mum (SAHM) and lose my income? Or be a Part-Time SAHM and lose half my income? Will my company even consider having me stay on as a part-time staff? If not, any other part-time job will probably mean losing more than half of my current (very comfortable) salary.

I am also thinking of ways that I can earn money from home so that I can at least have a little bit of income for myself.

One of the main worries I have about being a SAHM is that I will have to entirely change my spending habits when my hubby is the only one bringing in income to the family. I will not be able to spend money anyway I please because the money I will be spending will not be mine, it's the family's money. While I believe that I am not a terrible spendthrift, it will still be a very difficult change in mindset for me. (Do I really need to buy this bag? Sure it is only $40 and beautiful, but do I really NEED it? $40 can buy a lot of diapers. Plus it's not fair to hubby if I spend it on myself on a want and not a need. I will feel like I should only buy a new bag when my current ones are torn and tattered.) I will no longer be able to say "This bag is only $40 and I love it. Besides, it is my own hard-earned money and I will spend it any way I please.".

Even if money is not an issue, am I mentally ready to be a SAHM? Will I go nuts from the lack of contact with the outside world?

Of course, being a SAHM does not mean that I have to completely cut myself off from my friends. However, because I am breastfeeding, I cannot afford to be away from baby for more than 4 hours straight. Even though someone else can feed baby with my EBM (Expressed Breast Milk), my boobs will explode if I go more than 4 hours without pumping them. So, having to lug my breast pump around and making sure that wherever I go has a nursing room for me to pump puts a serious damper on the festivities. Whenever I think of these constaints, I lose my good mood.

And of course, the most important question of all : why do I want to be a SAHM?

Is it so that I can escape from corporate work? Yes, partly (a very small part). Is it because I think it will be easier than working from home (at my current job) and taking care of baby at the same time? Yes, partly too.

But most importantly, I do not want to be away from baby during the most important period of his development. I want to be as involved as possible with every aspect of my little darling. I want to be there when he laughs, cries (err most of the time anyway), sleeps, and plays. I want to be present at every developmental milestone. I want to be involved in his character development. I want our bond to be the closest it can be.

So is this worth the sacrifice in loss of income? Of course it is. But am I really ready for it?

Sigh. So, it's a lot to think about, and not much time to think about it. Help!

Happy 2nd Month Ryan Baby!

It's amazing how time flies! Tomorrow will be Ryan baby's 2nd month birthday, and it still feels like we came home from the hospital just last week. I imagine I'll be saying the same thing 18 years later on his 18th birthday. Haha!

Since Auntie has left, there has been many ups and downs in our life together. There had been days when I feel terrible ( as anyone can see from my previous posts). He could be grumpy the whole day struggling at the breast, crying incessently, etc. Then there are days when he only cries when he needs something and is easily pacified.

Since this week he has been a lot more aware of his surroundings and requires a lot more attention. He's constantly looking around, and is most fasinated when I carry him on a "walking tour" of our home.

He has also been coming up with a lot more new sounds other than the crying and screaming he used to make. There are the "ehs" ("I'm lonely! I need company and entertainment!"), the "ah goos" "coos" "hiiiii" "haaa looooo" "ahhhhh haaa" "way!"("I'm telling you something very important in an extremely cute way so you'd better listen up!").

Amazingly, I have not detected any "change my diaper it is extremly wet/dirty" cries/noises as he seems totally unperturbed by any change in condition of his diaper. He could be sitting in a diaper that is totally soaked to the brim and covered in baby poo, and still be smiling and cooing away. It's only when I smell the distinctive "buttery popcorn" odour that I realise. His father is very proud - "He's a MAN.".

He loves looking at anything that is moving and changing. The musical mobile that we bought for him used to be able to entertain him for up to an hour. But now he's gotten bored with it. I've discovered though that he LOVES looking at people's faces and hair. I've developed a game of "shampoo ad" with him -  he loves looking at me flinging my hair about like a model in a shampoo ad (HAHA!).

I really love spending time with my little darling. I love his toothless smiles, his coos and ahs and hiiis. I love bath time, and I even love diaper time. Even though it can be very tiring at times, I'm generally really enjoying motherhood right now.

Happy ManYue!

Belated manyyue photo for baby Ryan.

A new beginning...

Today almost feels like it's the first day home with baby from the hospital. Finally, it's the nanny's last day, and we'll have to handle everything ourselves.

While it's a very scary situation, I'm very very happy to be in control of my home life again. I have spent the afternoon (in between feedings and changings) re-organising the feeding Most of all, I'm very glad that baby and I can finally have a chance to truly bond with each other. Creating routines of our own, getting used to each other's voices and scent again.

Yay!

Who am I kidding...

Really, whO am I trying to kid? All those happy smiley photos of me holding Baby. I'm happy with him but he sure aint happy with me.

Enjoy the little things...

When the days are tough, you've got to enjoy the little things.

Like the small dreamy smile while nursing.

The kicks of enjoyment during bath-time.

And adorable animal-themed bootees from Ah Mah.

Time usually helps...

My lactose intolerence is damn irritating. It's seems very intermittent! Some weeks I'll be especially sensitive to any type and the slightest quantity of diary producers, other weeks I can take a whole glass of milk and still feel fine.

The lactose intolerence seem to be coming back full force today. After my usual glass of mummy milk formula in the morning, I've been gassy and uncomfortable. And then came the diarrhea. Very annoying.

Then I started wondering if my lactose intolerence will affect baby. Seems like it might possibly make baby colicky - or more colicky.

While searching online for information regarding lactose intolerance and breastfeeding, I came across this very useful site.
http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/breastfeeding/guide/colic.html

I really like the tone it was written in. It encourages breastfeeding without laying on the guilt.

"Even if nothing works, time usually helps. The days and nights may seem eternal, but the weeks will fly by."

And so it seems...

... It's not the scent of the massage oils.

I will be strong...

It's been another tough day.

I spent a large part of the morning hiding and crying in bed. That was after yet another unsuccessful nursing and burping session. This was especially heartbreaking as while I've kind of gotten used to baby being fussy in the evenings, mornings were kind of like "our time". Up until this morning, he had always been good during the morning nursing sessions. There were usually smiles, happy contented looks, a few explosive poops, and he'll usually drift off to a contented sleep after feeding, burping and changing.

But this morning it was totally different. He fussed at the nipple, struggled and cried. He nursed for barely 10 minutes on each side. Then it was the same for burping. He refused to be placated even after I walked him and rocked him. And as usual, when auntie took over, all was well within a minute. :(

I barely made it back into my room before the tears came pouring out.

It's tough.

I know I can deal with a fussy baby, I can make myself deal with the sleepless nights, constant nursing/burping/changing. It will be tough and tiring, but I can handle it.

What I find near impossible to take is my darling baby preferring a stranger to his mummy.

Sigh.

But it's a good thing I have a hubby who is understanding and supportive. Though he did nearly lose his patience with me this morning. Still, I don't think he really understands how I feel. Baby does "behave" better with him.

While crying in bed today, I couldn't help but think back fondly on the times when baby was still in my tummy. When I could feel him moving and kicking within me. We were so close, we were one. It's heartbreaking that my darling baby now prefers a total stranger to me. We shared a heartbeat once, and now he cries when I carry him.

Sigh. See. The tears are threatening to flow again.

But I will be strong. I know baby loves me (I hope). It takes time.

It's one of those days...

Sigh. It's been one of those days.

Actually, it's been one of those days since yesterday. :(

I can't seem to get anything right. Baby doesn't seem to like latching on. Bottle-feeding him (by me) makes him seem miserable. Burping takes forever. I can't even seem to rock/walk baby to sleep. :(

The worst thing is when auntie takes over after I've tried to placate him for ages, he immediately calms down. He just seems miserable whenever I'm near. Sigh.

I'm currently blaming it on the strong scent of the massage oils and the jamu. I'm really hoping that's it. If not...

Sometimes I feel so down thinking that maybe baby will be much happier if other people takes care of him. It certainly seems that way for the past few days. I feel selfish sometimes, wanting to assert my "motherhood" and to maintain my "mummy-pride". I refuse to believe that my baby actually prefers the confinement nanny instead of his mummy. I insist on carrying him, feeding him, burping him, etc, even when it's obvious he doesn't want me to. It's just so hurtful to see my previously crying/screaming baby boy instantaneously turn into a docile little baby the minute the nanny takes over.

When I've calmed downed from the mothering-frenzy, I'll suddenly feel so selfish. Isn't baby's happiness and health the most important? If baby's happier when the nanny's caring for him, how can I prevent that just to protect my fragile ego?

Seems like the mother-child bond that everyone talks about is only one-way in my case. I fell in love with my darling baby boy the minute I laid eyes on him. But it seems he's not returning the love.
Baby doesn't seem to be liking mummy much... :~(

Our daily "baptism"...

Baby Ryan is a little rascal.

Bath time used to be a struggle everyday, with him screaming bloody murder and us (me, hubby, or nanny) struggling to keep hold of the wriggling little baby.

Now he seems to be enjoying it! I thought he was just getting used to the water. But noooo.... he has found fun in "baptising" us during his bath time everyday. Everyday for 4 days in a row now.

I never knew pee is that warm.

A stressful, unnerving emotional rollercoaster...

I felt like a proud, victorious mummy the day I left the hospital with baby Ryan in my arms.

I am now a mother. I've pushed a healthy screaming baby out into the world in a flood of tears and blood. I've fed my baby from my breasts. And now here I am, my baby sleeping peacefully in my arms, heading home. I can do anything!

Nope. I was wrong, again!

Within hours of reaching home, there were tears - more from me than from baby. He was hungry, I tried to feed him, but he was still hungry. And he was crying.

Hearing his cries - hungry, angry, and upset - my heart broke. I just couldn't hold back my tears.

What kind of a mother am I? Within hours of separation from the nurses help, my baby can't stop crying! I've nursed him, why is he still hungry? Why don't I have enough milk to feed my baby? Why can't I provide the best milk for him? Am I holding him wrong? Am I hurting him? Why can't I make my baby happy? Is he sick? Am I making him sick?

After the first few distraught days, I've calmed down a little. But questions like these still haunt me every once in a while. I have a feeling that they won't ever go away.

But with time and support from dear hubby and wonderful friends and family, I'm calmer now, and more confident. I know we're all on this journey together - baby, hubby, and me. We're all learning as we go. But as long as we continue to support each other on this journey, I know we can be happy.

9 months and 3 weeks ago...

... a little tadpole met a little egg.

There was an announcement by the kitchen. A tab of prescribed folic acid pills. And happy tears.

Then came 3 months of secretive nausea, giddiness and exhaustion.

The next 3 months were filled happy preparation, and eager anticipation of movement within my growing belly.

The last 3 months went by slowly. Will baby be early? We thought so.

We were wrong!

Baby wanted to take his own sweet time. I think he loves being in my belly. I loved having him in there too - but I wanted to finally meet him more!

Finally he had to be coaxed out by Dr Khi. And mummy and daddy waited a long, slow 22 hours to finally meet him.

Our little bundle of joy. Precious little one. Long-awaited little darling. Bambino. Little angel.

Ryan.